triskehale (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
triskehale) wrote2013-12-04 09:12 pm
triskehale) wrote2013-12-04 09:12 pm
if only in my dreams
It seems like before Derek can even blink, it's December.
He stops paying attention for a minute and there are Christmas lights up everywhere, more hustle and bustle in the streets and canned holiday music pumping out from seemingly every single speaker in the city. Derek's in a decent mood, despite all this. Things with Stiles are moving forward in ways he never imagined. Stiles has feelings for him. Real, actual feelings similar to those Derek has for him, if maybe not as strong in intensity. It's enough to keep Derek buoyant and light on his feet, able to ignore most everything else.
They need some groceries, so Derek heads into the grocery store and grabs a basket. He gets sort of lost in his own head and slips into auto-pilot, grabbing things from the shelves. He comes back to awareness in the seasonal aisle and blinks down at the bag of candy cane Hershey's kisses in his hand. They were Laura's favorite Christmas candy. Derek hated the smell and the taste and she'd eat them all day, crumpling up the wrappers and throwing them with perfect precision at Derek's head.
Laura always handled Christmas. She made sure Derek never got too lost in memories or pain, made sure to keep his spirits bright, as the song goes. He swallows hard and looks from the candy, down to the basket where many of their holiday staples are currently residing.
He'd been shopping for his sister, like he hadn't remembered that she was gone. For one lingering moment, she was alive again, and Derek was looking forward to another year of her being a pain in the ass.
But no, she's dead. She's dead and buried in pieces in a place he can't even get to anymore, and she won't be here for Christmas. She won't be anywhere with Derek ever again.
The basket in his hand rattles noisily and that's when he realizes how badly he's shaking. He calmly sets the basket on the floor and walks out of the store. The holidays snuck up on him and he's just now realizing that this is the first Christmas where he has no family left. They're all dead, except for Peter who is pretty much dead to him anyway.
Derek doesn't stop walking until he's at the edge of the forest just past the park, and he starts taking clothes off as he heads into it. It's cool outside, the last sunny day before an oncoming storm that Derek can smell on the air. But it doesn't matter. He can't feel the cold. The world tilts for a second and then he's shifted, shaking out his thick black fur.
It's easier to deal with things like this when he's shifted, running as hard as he can on four paws. He runs until he's panting and lets out a long, mournful howl when he just can't keep it all inside anymore.
It's still daylight by the time he comes back to himself, but there isn't much of it left. He stops about a dozen feet from the treeline, still shifted, and looks out at the park as he drops to the forest floor with a whuff. His ears are back and his tail is curled around himself, and he looks every bit like a sulking puppy. He doesn't even care. There's not much here cares about at all right now.
Loneliness hasn't consumed him like this for awhile, and he misses his big sister like a severed limb. He lays there, whimpering softly, and tucks his nose under his paws to block out the world.
He stops paying attention for a minute and there are Christmas lights up everywhere, more hustle and bustle in the streets and canned holiday music pumping out from seemingly every single speaker in the city. Derek's in a decent mood, despite all this. Things with Stiles are moving forward in ways he never imagined. Stiles has feelings for him. Real, actual feelings similar to those Derek has for him, if maybe not as strong in intensity. It's enough to keep Derek buoyant and light on his feet, able to ignore most everything else.
They need some groceries, so Derek heads into the grocery store and grabs a basket. He gets sort of lost in his own head and slips into auto-pilot, grabbing things from the shelves. He comes back to awareness in the seasonal aisle and blinks down at the bag of candy cane Hershey's kisses in his hand. They were Laura's favorite Christmas candy. Derek hated the smell and the taste and she'd eat them all day, crumpling up the wrappers and throwing them with perfect precision at Derek's head.
Laura always handled Christmas. She made sure Derek never got too lost in memories or pain, made sure to keep his spirits bright, as the song goes. He swallows hard and looks from the candy, down to the basket where many of their holiday staples are currently residing.
He'd been shopping for his sister, like he hadn't remembered that she was gone. For one lingering moment, she was alive again, and Derek was looking forward to another year of her being a pain in the ass.
But no, she's dead. She's dead and buried in pieces in a place he can't even get to anymore, and she won't be here for Christmas. She won't be anywhere with Derek ever again.
The basket in his hand rattles noisily and that's when he realizes how badly he's shaking. He calmly sets the basket on the floor and walks out of the store. The holidays snuck up on him and he's just now realizing that this is the first Christmas where he has no family left. They're all dead, except for Peter who is pretty much dead to him anyway.
Derek doesn't stop walking until he's at the edge of the forest just past the park, and he starts taking clothes off as he heads into it. It's cool outside, the last sunny day before an oncoming storm that Derek can smell on the air. But it doesn't matter. He can't feel the cold. The world tilts for a second and then he's shifted, shaking out his thick black fur.
It's easier to deal with things like this when he's shifted, running as hard as he can on four paws. He runs until he's panting and lets out a long, mournful howl when he just can't keep it all inside anymore.
It's still daylight by the time he comes back to himself, but there isn't much of it left. He stops about a dozen feet from the treeline, still shifted, and looks out at the park as he drops to the forest floor with a whuff. His ears are back and his tail is curled around himself, and he looks every bit like a sulking puppy. He doesn't even care. There's not much here cares about at all right now.
Loneliness hasn't consumed him like this for awhile, and he misses his big sister like a severed limb. He lays there, whimpering softly, and tucks his nose under his paws to block out the world.
no subject
She listens with interest, even though the way his bicep is displayed as he moves his arm is more than a little distracting. "You were born a wolf? Interesting," Saffron replies sincerely. "So werewolves aren't the same from one world to the next, it seems. If you can shift at will - is that something you do often?"
no subject
It's probably why the Argents felt the need to exterminate them. The Hales were a prominent, powerful pack with a rare gene in their bloodline. They were big game. Derek swallows and furrows his brow a bit before continuing. "I haven't been an alpha very long, and I don't do it a lot. Usually when all the human emotions get to be too much."
no subject
"Would it help to talk about it?" she gently asks. She might even be willing to give him the rest of his clothes back, if he needs to get something off his chest.
no subject
He looks down at his bare toes with a frown for a moment, and then rolls his shoulders back and looks up at her. "Anyway, it's my first Christmas without any of them. Apparently I'm not taking it very well."
no subject
"I'm so sorry, Derek," Saffron says, compassion rather than pity in her voice. "I can't imagine anyone would be able to take that well. It's never easy to lose someone you love."
no subject
But that was nothing compared to losing his family and feeling the sting of betrayal and crushing guilt, all swept up with overwhelming grief. He put walls after that, ice and steel impenetrably caging in his broken heart, and his big sister was the only one left inside. And then she too was gone, taking away the very last bit of warmth inside of him.
"I keep waiting for it to get better," Derek admits quietly. "But after seven years, I think it's time to admit that it never will."
no subject
The losses on the island, though, those she still feels. So many people. Chris, Alec, Bill, Warrick...the list goes on. She knows it's not the same as losing family, not really, but it's something. "I don't know that anyone could ever really get used to it," she says. "When you lose someone you love, that stays with you. It...becomes a part of you."