triskehale (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
triskehale) wrote2013-12-04 09:12 pm
triskehale) wrote2013-12-04 09:12 pm
if only in my dreams
It seems like before Derek can even blink, it's December.
He stops paying attention for a minute and there are Christmas lights up everywhere, more hustle and bustle in the streets and canned holiday music pumping out from seemingly every single speaker in the city. Derek's in a decent mood, despite all this. Things with Stiles are moving forward in ways he never imagined. Stiles has feelings for him. Real, actual feelings similar to those Derek has for him, if maybe not as strong in intensity. It's enough to keep Derek buoyant and light on his feet, able to ignore most everything else.
They need some groceries, so Derek heads into the grocery store and grabs a basket. He gets sort of lost in his own head and slips into auto-pilot, grabbing things from the shelves. He comes back to awareness in the seasonal aisle and blinks down at the bag of candy cane Hershey's kisses in his hand. They were Laura's favorite Christmas candy. Derek hated the smell and the taste and she'd eat them all day, crumpling up the wrappers and throwing them with perfect precision at Derek's head.
Laura always handled Christmas. She made sure Derek never got too lost in memories or pain, made sure to keep his spirits bright, as the song goes. He swallows hard and looks from the candy, down to the basket where many of their holiday staples are currently residing.
He'd been shopping for his sister, like he hadn't remembered that she was gone. For one lingering moment, she was alive again, and Derek was looking forward to another year of her being a pain in the ass.
But no, she's dead. She's dead and buried in pieces in a place he can't even get to anymore, and she won't be here for Christmas. She won't be anywhere with Derek ever again.
The basket in his hand rattles noisily and that's when he realizes how badly he's shaking. He calmly sets the basket on the floor and walks out of the store. The holidays snuck up on him and he's just now realizing that this is the first Christmas where he has no family left. They're all dead, except for Peter who is pretty much dead to him anyway.
Derek doesn't stop walking until he's at the edge of the forest just past the park, and he starts taking clothes off as he heads into it. It's cool outside, the last sunny day before an oncoming storm that Derek can smell on the air. But it doesn't matter. He can't feel the cold. The world tilts for a second and then he's shifted, shaking out his thick black fur.
It's easier to deal with things like this when he's shifted, running as hard as he can on four paws. He runs until he's panting and lets out a long, mournful howl when he just can't keep it all inside anymore.
It's still daylight by the time he comes back to himself, but there isn't much of it left. He stops about a dozen feet from the treeline, still shifted, and looks out at the park as he drops to the forest floor with a whuff. His ears are back and his tail is curled around himself, and he looks every bit like a sulking puppy. He doesn't even care. There's not much here cares about at all right now.
Loneliness hasn't consumed him like this for awhile, and he misses his big sister like a severed limb. He lays there, whimpering softly, and tucks his nose under his paws to block out the world.
He stops paying attention for a minute and there are Christmas lights up everywhere, more hustle and bustle in the streets and canned holiday music pumping out from seemingly every single speaker in the city. Derek's in a decent mood, despite all this. Things with Stiles are moving forward in ways he never imagined. Stiles has feelings for him. Real, actual feelings similar to those Derek has for him, if maybe not as strong in intensity. It's enough to keep Derek buoyant and light on his feet, able to ignore most everything else.
They need some groceries, so Derek heads into the grocery store and grabs a basket. He gets sort of lost in his own head and slips into auto-pilot, grabbing things from the shelves. He comes back to awareness in the seasonal aisle and blinks down at the bag of candy cane Hershey's kisses in his hand. They were Laura's favorite Christmas candy. Derek hated the smell and the taste and she'd eat them all day, crumpling up the wrappers and throwing them with perfect precision at Derek's head.
Laura always handled Christmas. She made sure Derek never got too lost in memories or pain, made sure to keep his spirits bright, as the song goes. He swallows hard and looks from the candy, down to the basket where many of their holiday staples are currently residing.
He'd been shopping for his sister, like he hadn't remembered that she was gone. For one lingering moment, she was alive again, and Derek was looking forward to another year of her being a pain in the ass.
But no, she's dead. She's dead and buried in pieces in a place he can't even get to anymore, and she won't be here for Christmas. She won't be anywhere with Derek ever again.
The basket in his hand rattles noisily and that's when he realizes how badly he's shaking. He calmly sets the basket on the floor and walks out of the store. The holidays snuck up on him and he's just now realizing that this is the first Christmas where he has no family left. They're all dead, except for Peter who is pretty much dead to him anyway.
Derek doesn't stop walking until he's at the edge of the forest just past the park, and he starts taking clothes off as he heads into it. It's cool outside, the last sunny day before an oncoming storm that Derek can smell on the air. But it doesn't matter. He can't feel the cold. The world tilts for a second and then he's shifted, shaking out his thick black fur.
It's easier to deal with things like this when he's shifted, running as hard as he can on four paws. He runs until he's panting and lets out a long, mournful howl when he just can't keep it all inside anymore.
It's still daylight by the time he comes back to himself, but there isn't much of it left. He stops about a dozen feet from the treeline, still shifted, and looks out at the park as he drops to the forest floor with a whuff. His ears are back and his tail is curled around himself, and he looks every bit like a sulking puppy. He doesn't even care. There's not much here cares about at all right now.
Loneliness hasn't consumed him like this for awhile, and he misses his big sister like a severed limb. He lays there, whimpering softly, and tucks his nose under his paws to block out the world.
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"You're gonna need to work on your petname game if we're going to make this work," he tells him, doing his best to sound casual while being glad Stiles can't hear the rabbit quick thump thump thump of his heart. He bumps their shoulders together and turns to give him a teasing smirk.
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Talking about their hypothetical future is scary for Derek, but he feels something like hope blossoming just under his sternum, making him warm and breathless.
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Oh god, why is he still talking.
"I've never actually had someone to say that to, so, uh. If that's like, not a thing you say, you can just ignore it. That'd be cool."
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He'd be lying if he said he wasn't extremely happy about being the first one to ever get his hands on Stiles, and it'd be so easy to lean over and kiss him, but the moment isn't right, and Derek isn't quite ready, and there's something fun about ramping up the anticipation.
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"When we're ready," he says quietly, and slowly reaches out to take Stiles' hand. His pulse flutters against Derek's fingertips and he smiles softly as he threads their fingers together. He looks up at him hopefully, like he's making sure that this is okay.
He's as new to this as Stiles in all the ways that really count.