if only in my dreams

[triskehale]

It seems like before Derek can even blink, it's December.

He stops paying attention for a minute and there are Christmas lights up everywhere, more hustle and bustle in the streets and canned holiday music pumping out from seemingly every single speaker in the city. Derek's in a decent mood, despite all this. Things with Stiles are moving forward in ways he never imagined. Stiles has feelings for him. Real, actual feelings similar to those Derek has for him, if maybe not as strong in intensity. It's enough to keep Derek buoyant and light on his feet, able to ignore most everything else.

They need some groceries, so Derek heads into the grocery store and grabs a basket. He gets sort of lost in his own head and slips into auto-pilot, grabbing things from the shelves. He comes back to awareness in the seasonal aisle and blinks down at the bag of candy cane Hershey's kisses in his hand. They were Laura's favorite Christmas candy. Derek hated the smell and the taste and she'd eat them all day, crumpling up the wrappers and throwing them with perfect precision at Derek's head.

Laura always handled Christmas. She made sure Derek never got too lost in memories or pain, made sure to keep his spirits bright, as the song goes. He swallows hard and looks from the candy, down to the basket where many of their holiday staples are currently residing.

He'd been shopping for his sister, like he hadn't remembered that she was gone. For one lingering moment, she was alive again, and Derek was looking forward to another year of her being a pain in the ass.

But no, she's dead. She's dead and buried in pieces in a place he can't even get to anymore, and she won't be here for Christmas. She won't be anywhere with Derek ever again.

The basket in his hand rattles noisily and that's when he realizes how badly he's shaking. He calmly sets the basket on the floor and walks out of the store. The holidays snuck up on him and he's just now realizing that this is the first Christmas where he has no family left. They're all dead, except for Peter who is pretty much dead to him anyway.

Derek doesn't stop walking until he's at the edge of the forest just past the park, and he starts taking clothes off as he heads into it. It's cool outside, the last sunny day before an oncoming storm that Derek can smell on the air. But it doesn't matter. He can't feel the cold. The world tilts for a second and then he's shifted, shaking out his thick black fur.

It's easier to deal with things like this when he's shifted, running as hard as he can on four paws. He runs until he's panting and lets out a long, mournful howl when he just can't keep it all inside anymore.

It's still daylight by the time he comes back to himself, but there isn't much of it left. He stops about a dozen feet from the treeline, still shifted, and looks out at the park as he drops to the forest floor with a whuff. His ears are back and his tail is curled around himself, and he looks every bit like a sulking puppy. He doesn't even care. There's not much here cares about at all right now.

Loneliness hasn't consumed him like this for awhile, and he misses his big sister like a severed limb. He lays there, whimpering softly, and tucks his nose under his paws to block out the world.

Comments

[godless_son]

In the nearly one year that Castiel has known Derek, he has never seen his wolf form, or if he has, he was entirely too human to know it was him.

Like this, however, as an angel he senses what makes up Derek's equivalent of a soul and instantly flies into the edge of the forest, tilting his head as he stares down at the wolf.

"Hello Derek."

[triskehale]

Derek hears the soft flutter of wings and pulls his paws away, scenting the air a bit. Castiel suddenly appears in front of him, and Derek knows Castiel. They're friends.

But he's different now and Derek, more animal than human at the moment, senses the power rolling off of him in waves and whines, wriggling backwards and away from him a bit, slightly afraid of all the energy coming off of him.

[godless_son]

Castiel frowns as Derek reacts much as Annie had, as if she could not reconcile the new smells and energy with the face she'd long known.

"I am still myself, Derek. I am an angel, again. My grace returned to me. I flew here. Our dog had the same reaction, not that I imagine you'd approve of the comparison."

[sciencesaggressively]

He hasn't been back in the woods since before he broke his leg, so it feels nice to get back out here again, breathe in the crisp air, look for something that's comparable to a needle in a haystack. He's determined not to get lost this time, noting landmarks as he makes his way through the trees, but he'd forgotten to account for the things that go bump in the night. The sun's only just setting, but it's dark enough to have to squint when he hears the snap of a branch, the rustling of leaves.

He makes a sharp right and stops in his tracks, eyes wide at what he sees just a few feet away. There's a giant goddamn wolf, and he'd probably be backing away slowly right about now if the thing didn't look so... well, sad. Instead, he takes a few cautious steps forward, tilting his head when he hears a whimper and wondering if the big guy's been hurt. He holds his hand out when the wolf notices him--or at least finally decides to acknowledge his presence. "Not gonna hurt you, buddy. Everything's good, we're good."

[triskehale]

Derek hears footsteps and registers Newt's scent, bright and manic, before he even makes it over to him. The acrid smell of fear is lingering on him so he must not have put two and two together and gotten Derek. When Newt reaches out, Derek lifts his head to sniff at Newt's palm, nosing at it for a moment before dropping his head back down between his paws.

[sciencesaggressively]

He doesn't know why it clicks but it does almost immediately after the wolf lifts its head--maybe it's the fact that this particular wolf is acting more like a wounded puppy and that definitely brings one face to mind. "Derek." It's more of a statement than a question, and Newt sits on the ground next to his friend, resting his elbows on his legs and and his chin in his hands. "So this is alpha form, huh? Not as menacing as I thought you'd be, to be honest. And this better be you or I'm going to be seething about talking to an animal that isn't a kaiju for at least a week."

[jianhuo]

There's a jacket slung across a rock at the edge of the forest.

Saffron catches sight of it as she's walking by and stops, puzzled, before going over and picking it up, looking around to see if she can maybe spot who might have left it there by accident. It looks decent enough, something someone might miss if they realize later they don't have it, but she doesn't see anyone. But then not far away she sees a shirt, and she keeps collecting what look like men's clothes until she's gathered up an entire outfit.

It's not the strangest thing she's come across, but it's puzzling all the same, and Saffron keeps walking into the trees, wondering who in the 'verse would have just strewn clothes around like that. A sloppy nudist? Someone wanting to get rid of clothes with bad memories attached?

She stops and is about to start folding the clothes she's gathered when she spots the wolf and sucks in a gasp, her eyes widening. It's huge and black and doesn't look particularly menacing, not with the way it's sitting with its paws covering its nose, but Saffron has no way of knowing what it'll do next.

"Wǒde mā, I hope you're not hungry," she murmurs, rooted to the spot, not sure whether to stay there or run.

[triskehale]

Derek is too close to the edge of the forest. He realizes this distantly, but he also doesn't really care. There's a snap of a twig and Derek lifts his head, scenting the air and picking up a familiar honey scent. He tilts his head when Saffron spots him, and then huffs at her reaction. He shakes his head twice, clearly saying no, and then drops his head back to the dirt.

He knows Saffron enough to know that she won't hurt him, or his wolf. Not unless he gives her a reason to.

[jianhuo]

Saffron's brow furrows slightly, her head tilting as she wonders if the wolf did what she thinks he just did. "Did you just shake your head at me? You shook your head at me, didn't you," she says. "You're not a normal wolf, are you?"

By then, it's not exactly a question. She looks down at the clothes she's holding. "So are these yours, then?"

[likeaplanet]

It's late in the day when I take the girls to spend the evening with Andrea and Spike, needing a few hours at the shop, tonight, to do inventory and unpack some new shipments. The sun's dipping low in the sky as I walk along the edge of the park, toward the subway station a block away, firing off a text to Mike as I go.

I wouldn't have looked up at all, if it weren't for that little whimpering sound, sad and strangely human, but at first, I think the black shape near the treeline is a lost dog.

"Hey, buddy, wha--" I say, walking across the grass toward it, until I realize that it's not a dog at all. "Okay," I say, stopping a good distance away. I don't really wanna get my fuckin' throat ripped out, if I can help it.

[triskehale]

Derek lifts his head as someone comes through the trees, tilting his head a bit when he sees that it's Neil. He's not a threat, so Derek huffs and puts his head back down on his paws, looking up at him with ruby red eyes as he stops in his tracks.

He huffs out a sound that sounds a little like a laugh and shakes his head, one ear perked up as he looks over at Neil, expecting him to turn and leave. Derek is even less approachable in this form, especially when people don't even know it's him.

[likeaplanet]

I could swear, the wolf just fuckin' laughed at me.

It's crazy, but it looks up at me, red eyes gleaming even in the low sunlight, and I feel like I know it. No, I'm almost positive I know him.

"Derek?" I guess, taking another step closer. There's a knife in my boot, like always, but I really doubt I'm gonna have to use it.

[justsookie]

"God, it's freezing out here; what on earth possessed me to think that I'd be able to deal with that?"

Along the edge of the forest, branches and other dead brush crunches underneath Sookie's boots as she shivers her way through the thick of the trees. After being chided some time ago by Kisuke for being completely incapable of aiming, Sookie has made it her priority to learn how to use her powers more effectively. The only problem is, there's no good place to practice in the thick of the city, where there are too many people around with prying eyes, and too little room for recovery from potential harm done to property. When even the smallest of blasts from her hand is able to send a vase smashing against the opposite wall, Sookie knows that she needs to take to other measures to practice.

Even if it means dunking her warm Louisianan ass into the bitter cold.

"It's gonna get worse," she breathes to herself, teeth chattering slightly. "It's only December now; imagine what January's gonna be like. Shit." She feels a little remorseful for swearing so much, but it's cold. Trundling through the forest and finding herself unable to even concentrate, Sookie only pauses when she realizes that there's a wolf sitting in her path, curled up and entreating.

"...so I should have looked where I was going," she murmurs to herself, pausing and considering turning right around.

[triskehale]

Derek hears and smells Sookie before he sees her, and when she comes into view Derek lifts her head to look at her, eyes ruby red and bright. She smells a little like fear, just a hint of the acrid scent clinging to her. Derek likes Sookie, trusts her, and the wolf sees that. He pulls himself up to his feet and approaches slowly, butting gently at her hip with his head and curling around her feet, huffing a bit. He could use a friend about now.

Hello Sookie, he thinks loudly, but he doesn't know if her powers will still work on him while he's in this form.

[justsookie]

The wolf certainly isn't acting like Sookie would expect a wild animal to, far too deliberate as it approaches her and presses his snout up against her hip. Dropping to a crouch, Sookie curiously runs her hand over the wolf's head, and that's when the thought comes across at last, loud and clear. It doesn't sound as clearly spoken as a human's thoughts, but instead comes across as an onslaught of sensation, smells and sounds and a muted, low voice not quite like Derek's own.

"Hey," she breathes, reaching out to press both of her hands up against Derek's head. "Derek, right? The only of your kind of werewolf that I know around here. What brought you out so far in the forest?"

[always_enduphere]

The park is cold. She's probably better off in this weather than he is, but still Dean hadn't had the heart to take Annie with him when he left the apartment, intent on a long, quiet walk to clear his head. He's still feeling guilty about it when he takes the path nearest the trees, but hearing her phantom whimper is a little much, even for man as used to guilt as Dean.

He looks up, eyes widening when they settle on the source of the noise. From here, all he can see is a mountain of dark fur, peaked by two furry ears. His first instinct is to go for his gun, but Dean supposes there's a slim chance this is someone's dog. He clears his throat, wondering if the thing's just lost. "Hey boy."

[triskehale]

Derek looks up at Dean and lets out a soft growl and unimpressed huff at his opening line. He blinks red eyes and gets slowly to his feet, stretching out to his full impressive height and shaking out his fur. He ambles over towards Dean and sits at his feet, staring up at him with a tilted head.

With another irritated huff, he stamps his paw into the dirt and manages to form a crude D in the loose soil and blinks red eyes up at him when he's done. He's coiled tightly, ready to spring into a run if he needs to. Dean is his friend, but he's a hunter first, and Derek isn't sure how he'll feel about happening across a shifted werewolf.

[always_enduphere]

Dean's face is white by the time his better senses kick in, filtering in a steady stream of facts through the uncharacteristic terror flooding his veins. Furred and massive with bright, red eyes, but that gaze is banked, not blazing, teeth not bared in a snarl.

Not a hellhound, Dean realizes, relief sagging at his shoulders, and it takes him a moment more to look at the scratches on the ground. "Derek?" Dean blurts, incredulous.

Jesus Christ, he might shoot him anyway.

[myonlydefense]

It's getting too cold for it, but Stiles still heads out to the park from time to time. The routine of school-home-work-home-school-home gets pretty dull, so even if he's not on any teams at school anymore, he still likes to head out sometimes. He'll have to bug Scott to come back out with him, now that he thinks about it.

He's starting to pack up his things when he hears the howl and immediately thinks of Derek. Sure, okay, maybe there are other wolves out there (a thought that should alarm him more than it does), but it's probably Derek - probably - so he does the only intelligent thing and heads out into the woods, fully prepared to wander like it's easy to find a single animal in acres of land. Derek's his friend, his alpha, and hey, once he stops being chickenshit, he's going to find a place to drag Derek to dinner and they might be kind of dating, so it's more than worth the time and minimal risk.

He doesn't have to go more than a few steps before he spots Derek a dozen yards or so down the treeline from where he is and he grins, trotting over in his sweats and sweatshirt, overpriced lacrosse gear forgotten in a backpack in the park. He raises his hand in a dopey wave as he starts to head over, smiling, but shuffles to a stop as he gets closer, clearly able to see the absolute forlorn expression in his body language.

"Hey alpha," he says sympathetically, coming over and sitting a couple feet away in front of him, lanky limbs crossed underneath him. "What's up?"

[triskehale]

There's a lavender honey scent on the air, and Derek knows that Stiles is approaching. He's almost ashamed to have Stiles see him like this, all mopey and pathetic. He's his alpha, he should be strong.

But also, Stiles is his friend. He's the best friend that Derek has ever had, and he trusts him above all else. Stiles won't judge him for this. He would even understand.

He stands up and shakes out his fur, coming over to nuzzle against Stiles' cheek, tongue flashing warm and wet against the bolt of his jaw before he turns with a huff, staring down at the soil. He plants his paw down and drags it through the dirt, forming the letter L and whining, pressing his paw against it before settling back down and resting his head on Stiles' thigh.

Stiles is smart; he'll get it.

[myonlydefense]

Stiles hasn't seen Derek's wolf too many times, but he likes him. It's Derek and not Derek - more Derek? - all at the same time, and while he's sure that the wolf can be less than hospitable, he's never been anything but good to Stiles. He smiles at him as reassuringly as he can as he pads over, laughing softly at the way that Derek licks him. The sound fades, though, when Derek drops his head to look down at the dirt; he tilts his head so he can get a better look at what's being drawn with the dark paw, any cheer that's left replaced immediately by a hollow feeling in his chest. Stiles may not know loss the same way that Derek does, but he knows it.

He makes a soft, understanding sound and nods, reaching out to put his hand between Derek's ears and stroke the soft fur there. He doesn't want to say he understands, because he hated it when people said they did - even if it wasn't a lie. He never wanted people to understand; he wanted his mother back. It has to be twenty times worse for Derek - no family to go back to, even if they do ever leave this city. Laura was the last, and Stiles can't even begin to imagine. It's Christmastime, family time, and he knows how much more profound the loss can be this time of year.

He rubs at the soft fur between Derek's ears and just behind them, then squeezes his neck reassuringly.

[alphomega]

Sometimes it felt good to just run. To shift and run on hands and feet, faster than any human, following a whirlwind of scents on instinct. It was exhilarating, grounding, and Scott made a habit of doing it at least a few times a week.

The howl that cut the air brought him to a halt, his defenses up as he looked around, scenting the air. It was faint, hard to pick out among the deep green and brown smells of the forest, but his familiarity with the scent made it easier. He followed the trail cautiously, unsure of what kind of greeting he would get from Derek, but wanting to make sure he was okay, if nothing else.

He found him in full wolf form, a brief pang of jealousy hitting him before he pushed it away. What would it be like to be able to become a wolf completely? he wondered as his own hair and claws receded and he strode upright toward the curled up black wolf. "You all right?" he asked quietly, keeping a few feet back until he was able to discern how Derek would react to his presence.

[triskehale]

Derek smells and hears Scott coming, and he's too wholly immersed in moping to even tense up. Scott doesn't seem at all aggressive as he approaches and Derek just huffs, looking up at him with a baleful expression.

He shakes his head and gets up, going over to paw at his jeans until his wallet slips out. He noses it open and looks back at Scott, gesturing for him to come over. The ID holder flips up to reveal a photo of him and Laura. They're both smiling, sitting on a stoop in Brooklyn. Scott should know who he's looking at. He did dig her up and all.

He lays back down and stares at the photo, letting out a sad whine. He misses her so much it hurts, and he can still hear the damn Christmas music coming from town. It brings back memories that maybe one day he'll be able to look back on fondly, but for now they just make him want to rip his heart out of his chest.

[thecautionarywhale]

Some mornings Juno just can't sleep. Her apartment is awesome, but it's lonely. There's no sound of her dad snoring down the hall, or LB playing in her room. Bren isn't getting up to start coffee, humming a tuneless song in the kitchen. Most mornings Juno doesn't mind, but this morning has been awful. Her coat thrown on she's run out, not caring that it's early or she has to be at school in a couple of house. She runs toward the park, planning on losing herself in the trees. Maybe if she keeps running she'll finally end up back home. Bren might have gotten a dog and her dad would be so happy he'd buy her a car.

That's no what happens, though. It never is. She stops at the edge of trees, sitting on a rock and very determinedly not crying. Only she knows that she is, her cheeks cold where the tear stream down. There's just nothing she can do today, other than ride it out, and she hates it, even more than she hates this place for taking her away from her family.

[triskehale]

Derek lifts his head from his paws when he hears someone approaching, but they stop before they make it far enough into the trees to see them. He gets on his feet with plans to retreat, but the soft sounds of crying reach his ears and the scent is familiar enough that he finds himself moving closer instead of further away.

It's Juno sitting here, cheeks wet with tears and smelling of sorrow. This is a tough time of year for most people here, he figures. Derek isn't the only one missing family.

He hovers a few feet away and pads over to the rock once he makes his decision. She doesn't have to know it's Derek, and if she's not afraid of him right off the bat, maybe he can provide a distraction in this form.